Is Your Ferret Being Demonically Possessed?

It can be difficult to diagnose symptoms in pets. We love our four-legged friends, and we want nothing more than for them to be happy and healthy, but they can’t exactly tell us when something goes wrong. It’s up to us, as their human owners, to determine when there’s a serious problem that requires veterinary care.

With that in mind, here are a few things you need to ask yourself if you think a demon (or several demons) have taken over your pet ferret. Please take note of the ferret’s appearance, movement, and ominous chanting as you ask these 6 questions:

1. How often does my ferret scream at me?

When looking for clues as to whether or not your ferret is possessed, it’s important to take sleep cycles into account. Even the creepiest ferrets need to stop screaming at certain points in the day in order to rest. If yours is shrieking at you 24/7, with an infernal howl that corrodes your very soul, something’s wrong.

2. How many of my sins does my ferret know?

This one should be a major hint. While it’s common for healthy, non-possessed ferrets to learn one or two of your sins, only an agent of the Devil himself could possibly know that you [REDACTED].

You made sure no one else was there that night, after all.

3. What language is my ferret ominously chanting in?

Possessed ferrets will typically chant in Latin, but it’s a classic mistake to think that possessed ferrets will only chant in Latin. Demons will often trick uninformed ferret owners by forcing their hosts to speak in a variety of different languages, and may even go so far as to pretend not to know Latin by only chanting the sample text you sometimes get in word documents.

Be wary. Ferret-possessing demons are very cunning.

4. Does my ferret now crave the blood of the lamb?

This may not necessarily mean anything, as ferrets are already carnivorous, but it’s useful to be aware of changes in your pet’s eating behavior anyway.

5. Does holy water now burn my ferret?

This, again, may not mean anything. If your ferret seems afraid of holy water, crucifixes, or other religious symbols, it could simply be a vampire. However, when combined with some of the other symptoms mentioned above, holy water-induced burns could be a sign to call a pet exorcist.

6. What color are my ferret’s sunken, hollow eyes?

Demons often change the eye color of their hosts. Are your ferret’s eyes glowing a different color than they usually do?

Do they now shed light into the deepest caverns of your memory?

Do they now scrutinize every horrifying detail of what you did on that still, quiet night?

Do they wordlessly communicate to you that no matter how far you run, how pathetically you beg for mercy, you cannot escape the eternal punishment you know you deserve?

It may be time to make an appointment with a pet exorcist.

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