Tips for Preventing the Spread of Happiness

By now, you may have heard about the idea of “spreading happiness”. It’s a phrase that shows up a lot on throw pillows and small wooden plaques, especially in mid to late December. The very concept sounds absurd—subjective states of mind can’t be “spread”, right? 

There is, unfortunately, a frightening truth to this saying.

It’s contagious.

Luckily, there are things you can do to limit outbreaks of happiness in your area. Here are just a few of them.

1. Cover your mouth when you laugh.

In addition to preventing happiness from spreading, this is also considered basic etiquette. No one wants to see your weird, noisy exhaling.

2. Avoid areas with high densities of people having fun.

This can include parties, concerts, amusement parks, zoos, and occasionally business meetings that are going extremely well. If a concerning number of people there look like they’re letting loose and living life to the fullest, steer clear.

Do not try to rescue anyone at the event. They’re done for, I’m afraid.

3. Avoid exposure to direct sunlight, direct rainbows, direct kittens, direct candy, direct hugs, and direct thoughts that maybe today is going to be a good day.


4. Stay informed, but only about bad things.

Any news outlet should be sufficient for this. If you do not have access to the news or have become so exhausted by current events that you’re just numb at this point, stare at a blank wall to inform yourself about the emptiness of life.

Stare at the wall. Keep staring at the wall. The world is terrifying and you are powerless. You are going to die one day and nothing you do can prevent this. Keep staring at the wall. Measles cases have surged worldwide in 2018. Keep staring at the wall.

You are now informed.

5. Quarantine yourself from infected friends and family.

Do you have people you can rely on for emotional support? People who, no matter how dark things get, no matter how hopeless it all seems, can make the world you live in just a little brighter?

Cut them out of your life immediately. Do not explain why.

Good luck, and stay safe.

Note: Images corresponding to these tips have been removed for containing direct rainbows.

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